Regression
by Mona.E.Lisa
Summary: Michelangelo was not a vengeful person. He didn't care who had killed his father, it didn't matter. What did matter was there was three baby boys, a lost girl and a son left behind in the wake of someone's own vengeful frenzy and this boy, this orphan, had nothing left of what he knew.
1. 生死

They were so tiny. Mikey had rolled them out on their stomachs, worried that them lying on their backs wasn't good for their shells. He should have been relaxed at how peaceful they were, but the only thing soothing him was the roaring from outside their little cell.

Rather than kill them, they had turned his brothers into babies. It was sick, a cruel twisted joke. When he thought about it, it was likely that Shredder had plotted it to use them against Splinter. To raise them and have them fight him, like he did Karai.

But Splinter was gone too.

"Michelangelo! Move away from the door!"

He picked the boys up and pressed himself to the side of the cell, "We're clear! Go for it, Leatherhead!"

The door dented and went flying into the opposite wall. It was true, Leatherhead was back! So many things welled in Mikey's chest; relief that his friend was alive; hope that they might escape; concern as Donnie opened his eyes and started wailing. Leatherhead recoiled at the sound, which was fair Mikey thought. He had probably never seen a baby before.

"Your friends are coming," he said quietly.

Mikey knew April would already have a sense of the situation; she was getting better with her powers. But it was Casey to take control.

"I'll take Raph, April can take Don, and Mike you take Leo. Leatherhead will lead. We know where Splinter's body is. LH will grab it and then we go."

The plan was simple and not well thought out. But it went without a hitch, save for a bit of baby puke.

-:-

"We'll need formula, diapers, oh! And we should pick up some binkies too."

Donnie had rebuilt Metalhead, thank God. Mikey had renamed him Rivet though, telling Donnie, "He's a different robot. Don't let Metalhead's shadow hang over him. That'd be like if I got another cat and named it Klunk 2."

Rivet had already established his place as a baby sitter. Mikey had no trust in him initially, not after the Metalhead 'flying face' fiasco. Not to cradle the babies at least. But he was quick to scan the internet and find DIY instructions on cots and printing off '101 Nutrition for Your Baby'.

April had also learnt he was very good at printing off lists so she didn't have to write it herself.

"And blankets and rags," Casey chimed. "Babies puke."

"Oh! And baby wipes!"

April had immersed herself in providing things for the babies to avoid the elephant in the dojo. Leatherhead had placed Splinter in there for the time being and Casey had laid the cleanest sheet he could find over the body. Mikey himself was too busy trying to lull Leo to sleep. Of course Leo, the world's easiest teenager was the world's most difficult baby.

"And mattresses for their beds!"

"Bed, April. For now they can share a bed." Mikey was tired and April understood. She dragged Leatherhead, a notoriously unpredictable mutant she just met, by the finger to the dump with her freshly printed list in hand.

"Mikey," Casey sighed as the pair left. "I know you don't want to talk about this, but Splinter-"

"There's a place in the sewers, it's big like this. We decided we can burn bodies…" He choked.

"Actually, I was thinking… We have this farmhouse in Northampton. It's big, and has lots of trees and plenty of fresh air. I can take my dad's van and we can go for the week."

There were only a few things murky about the plan. Leatherhead couldn't come due to the lack of room. But he maintained Mikey didn't need to worry about him. Also, for his father to ok him going away for a week with 'just April' to the middle of nowhere, Casey had to bring his little sister, Shadow.

"That's alright," Mikey mumbled. "She should get to say goodbye as well. Rivet can build a box for Splinter's body. Rivet?"

The robot clambered up to his side, printing a diagram of a long box out of his chest. It had lots of numbers and lines and blah, blah, blah.

"That's fine," Mikey said.

"I'll handle it," Casey says abruptly. "I'll plan Splinter's funeral. You look after your bros."

They both looked down at Raph and Don, curled up together on a bed of cushions and blankets. Casey was surprised of how accepting Mikey was. He hadn't freaked out, though he knew it was well over due.

"Why don't you go see Splinter?" Casey held out his hands for Leo and Mikey handed him over. Casey could remember how protective Raph was of Mikey, that Mikey was arguably the most important person in Raph's world.

But that Raph was gone. The Raph that used to stand over Mikey and pet his head with affection, sit for hours on end listening to Mikey's wild ideas and stories was gone and would take sixteen years to come back.

But by then the Mikey he had cherished would be gone.

-:-

Mikey could only stare at Splinter's cloth covered body before Leatherhead and April returned. Leatherhead had suggested, with a gentle hand against Mikey's back, that they wrap the open wounds of the body. Maybe even clean him up.

"For what little I knew of the man, he deserved at least that little bit of dignity."

Mikey agreed, glad he could face this with Leatherhead. They had pulled bandages from the stash kept in the dojo. The wound in Splinter's gut had long since stopped bleeding and they decided just to cover it completely with bandages rather than clean it.

"I'll put him in his robe anyway, it won't be seen" Mikey mumbled, reaching under Splinter to grab the bandage as Leatherhead held his body up. "But I want to brush his fur around his hands and face."

Splinter looked so peaceful, even with his head lolling around because Leatherhead wasn't supporting his neck properly. And by stark contrast, Leatherhead thought, Michelangelo looked so ragged, faded but dry eyed.

"How do you think they turned my brothers into babies?" Mikey whispered. And it shocked Leatherhead to realise that Donatello's intelligence was gone and the only one he could turn to for such answers was Leatherhead. He became acutely aware of how small Michelangelo was making himself, of just how much his voice lacked its usual lustre. He became aware of how crumbled Michelangelo's pillars were and how he didn't know how to process what he was feeling without the people he usually turned to.

"It is a procedure used commonly by the Kr- … them", Leatherhead drawled. "It explains their longevity. They use it so they don't have to waste so many years breeding and training, when they can just store their information and age back to the point of useable youth but still be properly trained."

"So, my brother's memories are gone?"

"An infant's mind could not hold so much information."

Michelangelo tied off the bandage and Leatherhead lowered the body. He stood up and moved to kneel next to Michelangelo. He laid his hand against the boy's back again and let it sink in.

"I'm here for you. We _all_ are." Slowly, Michelangelo leaned forward and rested his hands against his father's wrapped stomach. He wailed into the back of his hands, his body jolted with hiccups and gasps for breath. Leatherhead just made the effort to keep his own breathing even, and to keep his hand resting on Michelangelo's back to ground him.

He'd stop wailing every now and then, but Leatherhead could only guess that maybe a memory would surface and trigger the next bout of tears.

But suddenly Michelangelo stilled. Leatherhead recalled a moment when Donatello had said him and Michelangelo fit well together because they were equally as unpredictable. Michelangelo had long since lost his mask in their escape and his eyes were puffy and his skin blotchy. He shifted slightly and leaned closer to his father's face. His hand hovered over it, shaking.

"Daddy!" It was a long shriek, unlike anything Leatherhead had heard before. But there was nothing after it. No noise left Michelangelo the rest of the night. And it haunted Leatherhead till the day he himself died.

-:-

Rivet had built the box with no help. Mikey had forgotten all about it and it was Casey again to take the lead and give Rivet his list of things to do.

"Are you sure you don't want to come, Leatherhead?"

"No, Casey. I will be fine here. It is better that this place is not left unmanned. I have said my few goodbyes."

"Ok. Can you help us carry the… coffin topside?"

"Of course."

Casey and Leatherhead had struck an odd friendship. In the midst of April's absolute denial of the situation and Mikey's forced removal from it, the two had found solace in each other. Neither was close enough to Splinter to mourn him deeply and the regression of the boys struck multiple cords for a variety of different reasons. They shared the feeling of being a bystander.

"Has it been nailed shut?"

"No, the robot has not done it yet. Michelangelo wanted to put some things in there."

When they walked into the dojo they were greeted with the sight of Mikey adjusting Splinter's kimono and the little trinkets and pictures Mikey had left him with. He turned around to face the two.

"Is it time to go?"

"Yes, Michelangelo."

He nodded. Before leaning forward to press a kiss to Splinter's head and mumble something in Japanese. He pulled the lid over the box and called Rivet to come and nail it.

"I'll go help April with the boys." His voice shook and he couldn't look them in the eye.

-:-

The van ride was beyond awkward. They brought Rivet with them because he put Leatherhead on edge, and he had powered down for the ride, so he was a good as dead. Splinter's coffin was strapped to the side of the van with Mikey sitting opposite holding the babies in a basket April had picked up. April and Shadow sat in the front with Casey at the wheel.

Yeah, this was the perfect time to explain to Shadow that Splinter was dead.

"What!? How? Why? WHO!?"

Mikey couldn't help but give a little smile. The young girl twisted in her seat to look at him, distress written all over her face. "Shadow, sit down."

"I'm going to find who did this!" she roared. "You watch me!"

"I'm glad you're taking this well, Shadow." Of course her reaction was to be angry; she was a lot like her brother in that sense. Mikey knew she was fiercely protective of him, which he was thankful for in this moment. It was good to smile, not matter how feeble.

-:-

They left the box on the porch. Casey and Rivet went off to dig the hole, while April, Mikey and Shadow stayed in the house with the babies.

"This is really happening, isn't?" Mikey couldn't help the flare of anger in his chest. "Mikey, he's dead!"

Mikey tried to put himself in her place, but he just couldn't. He was too weighed down by the burden of being the new head of his family, the burden of adulthood and feeling of being perpetually on the edge of something.

Shadow nudged his hand, "Who's going to fix the mutants now the Donnie's a baby?"

Oh.

"Oh my god!" April all but shrieked, standing up and backing herself into a wall. "What's going to happen to my dad!? We need a retro mutagen! Leatherhead! Leatherhead knows about Kra-"

"April!" Mikey cut her off. "We can't ask him to do that! You know that. We just have to wait."

"I've done my waiting!" she roared. "I'm done waiting and I'm done losing people!"

"Don't talk about my brothers like they're dead!"

The basket was too heavy for Shadow to carry, so she dragged it into the other room.

"They're babies, Michelangelo! How is that going to help us? We have the Foot and the Kraang to deal with. We can't exactly go to with an application to pause our war with them for sixteen years so we can play house!"

"And what exactly do you want us to do then?" April recoiled at the harshness of his tone but he didn't care. She was going to hear this. "This isn't about you, April. This isn't about the Foot, or the Kraang or Shedder or whoever! This is about my dad and my brothers! This is about me! _Everything_ I have ever known has been pulled out from under me; I am the last person to do this!"

"You still have _us_!" April whispered, her voice getting gradually louder. "You still have Casey, Leatherhead, even Rivet! We're here, and your brothers _will_ be back."

"No they won't! They'll grow up, but there's every chance they'll be completely different people, April!"

"I won't let that happen!" she sputtered.

"You can't do that to them!"

"Stop it!" Shadow stormed into the room. "The babies are trying to sleep. We can yell about this back home, right now we need to focus on what's important! And that's Splinter's funeral and changing turtle diapers!"

She stood there between the two, her hands on her hips, eyes shifting between them. April stormed out, muttering things to herself. Mikey stared after her, grateful she didn't slam the door. He turned to look at Shadow, who was watching him with careful eyes.

"Why did you do that?" he asked. The girl sighed, and took on a look far too old for her.

"I'm sad Splinter's gone, like everyone. But fighting isn't what we should be doing. Everyone's scared," she curled her hands to fists, placed them on her hips and puffed out her chest. "Someone has to be brave and take care of all of you!"

Mikey sighed, a smile playing on his lips. "Shadow, you're six. We're supposed to be taking care of you."

"It's not forever! Just for now. Right now, I'm the least mad and the least sad." He stuck her hand out to Mikey, pointing her pinkie finger at him. "And I promise to do my job right!"

Mikey wasn't sure what her job was, but he reached out and looped fingers with her anyway, "I'll hold you to that."

"You had better, Rooish." She grinned. "I was serious about that diaper, you know?"

-:-

Very little was said at the burial. Shadow had stayed back with the babies. It was just Mikey, April, Casey and Rivet. April said a few things. She had collected some flowers when she left after the argument. She kneelt down and gently dropped them down onto the box. She didn't have any string to tie them with, so when they landed they spread apart, some rolling down the side of the box.

Mikey lead them in prayers, one in English and another in Japanese. April and Casey bowed their heads, holding hands and trying to maintain their composure. Eventually they left, leaving Mikey and Rivet alone.

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" he asked, staring at the flowers. "How could you leave me like this?"

Years later he would come to regret those words. Not because he learned why his father died, that always remained a mystery. But he knew, as he matured, that he father would never have left them. He was simply taken in an act of violence which haunted Michelangelo to his grave even without knowing what had happened.

That being said, Michelangelo was not a vengeful person. He didn't care who had killed his father, it didn't matter. What did matter was there was three baby boys, a lost girl and a son left behind in the wake of someone's own vengeful frenzy and this boy, this orphan, had _nothing_ left of what he knew.

"I'm dropping this Miwa thing," he informed the box. "I don't have the energy for it and it doesn't matter anymore. The best I can do for your daughter is let her have the peace of knowing that the man who killed her mother is dead." He didn't mean to sound so callous, so unlike himself. Shedder had gotten back into the girl's head after they had tried to tell her the truth, and twisted it further. And in a way, Shedder had gotten into his head and twisted it too.

"I can't pull everything she's ever known out from under her, Otōsan. That's not fair." He waited for a while, as if for some kind of response. "But I'll bring Shredder down, one day. She'll just have to go with him."

And then the wind blew, and a chill ran down Michelangelo's spine that made him madder than he had ever been.

"But right now, they aren't important to me. What's important this new family I have. My brothers, April, Casey, Leatherhead, everyone that's left."

He'd run out of things to say. He fell to his knees and looked down at his hands. He had nothing to say, but so much was left unsaid. Terror welled up in his throat and tears slipped down his cheeks.

"_Mori mo iyagaru, Bon kara saki-nya__  
__Yuki mo chiratsuku-shi, Ko mo naku-shi__Bon ga kita-tote, Nani ureshi-karo__  
__Katabira wa nashi, Obi wa nashi__Kono ko you naku, Mori wo ba ijiru__  
__Mori mo ichi-nichi, Yaseru-yara__Hayo-mo yuki-taya, Kono zaisho koete__  
__Mukou ni mieru wa, Oya no uchi__  
__Mukou ni mieru wa, Oya no uchi"_

He sung the lullaby, staring down at the flowers waiting again for another response. But all he got was a hand on his back. Rivet had listened and come.

They filled the hole together.

-:-

"Mikey, we need to talk."

"I know."

To her credit, April had waited a day before coming to Mikey. She asked if they could do it on the roof, because she wanted to see the stars.

"That's where I think they go," she said once they were on the roof. Her neck was arched back, staring into the dotted abyss.

"It's a nice thought," Mikey admitted. She knew Mikey wouldn't believe in it with her, because Donnie had told him otherwise. He knew that a star was a massive, luminous sphere of plasma held together by its own gravity and not the spirit of someone passed, because Donnie had told him so. Michelangelo didn't believe in a lot of spiritual things like astrology or religion because Donnie would feed him a constant stream of knowledge and tell him how the world worked. And even though Michelangelo was never one to necessarily apply that knowledge, he knew it and he cherished it because his brother taught him it and he believed in it with fibre of his being.

April felt sorry for him. Donatello was gone. Mikey had no one to tell him how the world worked. His world would stop being so amazing, confined to the sewers without Donnie to tell him about space and time.

It all seemed so pointless without him.

"I know what you meant," April breathed. "When you said everything was pulled out from under you. I've been thinking about it and I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"I shouldn't have yelled at you either."

"No! You should have, you have every right!" She grabbed his hand. "I've been thinking about it and… I'm sorry but, I still have my aunt and other family topside. And yeah, Casey, Shadow and I will visit you every day, but we'll go home and we'll leave you there. Alone."

She sounded choked and terrible and she hated herself for what she was saying.

"No, I'll have-"

"You'll have a robot, three babies and a mentally unstable alligator. How is that fair?" Now she was mad, authority dripped from her voice. "I'll miss Splinter, and I know that there's a chance I'll never get my dad back. But that's just a chance. You'll _never_ get your dad back. This is about you, and I'm sorry I thought I could take that away from you."

He had cleaned the body, wrapped it, dressed it, arranged it in the coffin, put the coffin in the ground and buried it, but April could see the dawning realisation on Mikey's face. Splinter was never coming back. _Ever._

"Thank you," he said weakly, leaning into her as she embraced him.

"We're going to be ok," April said after a few moments. "We'll figure this out. You'll be ok."

April repeated this maybe ten times before she convinced herself she was telling the truth. Mikey had fallen asleep about the fifth time, emotionally and physically exhausted.

"It's ok, little brother," April said quietly for the final time, before looking up to the sky. "We'll be ok."

* * *

**I really hope that when they bring Shadow into the show that she'll be a little shit but think rainbows come out of Mikey's arse.**

**Takeda Lullaby is what Mikey sings.**

**This story will have no plot, I promise. I'm working on The Battle Nexus as you read, I'm just typing it up.**

**Review?**


	2. 連銀のボトル

Everything is twenty-twenty in hindsight. And as such, Michelangelo was realising the down side of not mentioning to his highly unstable, panic prone, doesn't do surprises friend that there was a cat in their freezer.

"It's ok, just calm down and leave her in there. Her name is Klunk. She's my pet."

Mikey tried to calm Leatherhead down over the phone as best he could. He could only imagine what the state of the kitchen would be, or the whole lair for that matter. It might just be pizza for a while.

"I'm calm, I'm calm." He could imagine Leatherhead rocking himself back and forth.

"Just leave her in the freezer. There's plenty of food for her to eat in there. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"No, my friend, it is fine. I will just avoid the kitchen until you return."

Mikey considered shortening their stay, maybe heading home early. They had been there three days. Maybe that was enough. Was it?

"Ok, we'll see you in a few days. Remember to call if you need something."

Raph started to grizzle in his arms just as Leatherhead said his goodbyes and hung up. Mikey did his best to shush him before he started wailing, but to no avail.

Oh god. How long do babies cry? How many years? Two? Three?

"Rivet! How longs that formula going to be?"

"Another minute, Mikey!" Shadow called from the kitchen. It was about midnight. Rivet had come up with a routine for feeding the babies and unfortunately everyone within a kilometre radius (April estimated) had to hear about it thanks to Leonardo.

This was great really. He woke the other two up and they demanded to be feed as well. It helped get them all on the same routine. Mikey just wasn't sure how long he could hold up. Casey said he'd get used to it; he and his dad did when Shadow was born.

Rivet clambered out of the kitchen with three bottles, handing one each to April, Casey and Mikey. This bit he was used to, he could do this bit forever. Just watching them drink and slowly become more and more content before the new warmth in their bellies put them to sleep.

"It's too bad you're gonna grow up to be so ugly, Raphie" Mikey mumbled as Raphael finished the last of his bottle.

"Mikey, you can't say that!" April chastised as Casey dissolved in a fit of giggles.

-:-

The kitchen, as it turns out was untouched. Leatherhead had managed to control himself and smash up the lounge room instead.

"It's only a couple of craters," Casey said. "At least the TV is still intact."

"I'm terribly sorry, Michelangelo."

"Nah dude," Mikey waved him off, "its fine I should have told you about Klunk. The floor can be fixed… I think."

"Sure!" Casey scoffed, "Just fill it in with cement until its level with the rest of the floor."

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to find cement in the sewers, Casey?" April asked, running her fingers across the edge of one of the craters.

"Just borrow some from a construction site."

It went really quiet after that. They had dropped Shadow off home and the babies were sleeping. The four of them just sat in the lounge area taking everything in. But it wasn't awkward. With all the screaming that had happened in the last week, it was nice to just listen to the trickling waters of the sewers, and the even breathing of each other.

"I'll probably start going through their rooms tonight," Mikey said finally, looking at April and Casey. "I'll start with Leo's first. There's a comic convention this week, and it's not fair that you two keep paying for diapers and formula and whatever. We can sell some of Leo's Space Heroes stuff."

Guilt pooled in his gut. Normally they did alright for money, picking up whatever fell on the ground and in the sewers. But that was always a group effort; there was no way Mikey could do that on his own. And the only way Mikey could support his family now was to sell what was once precious to them – things Mikey wasn't even allowed to touch.

"I know where Raph stashes his really good comics," Casey said, sticking his hands in his pockets and looking up at the ceiling, "We can get more than a few bucks for them too."

"And Irma said she has a spare ticket for the convention. I can go and sell it," April smiled, tears lining her eyes. It was too soon for all of this, to be letting go of the closest things they had of their friends, their brothers.

"You should go now," Casey suggested. "Go find Irma and tell her what's happened. We'll get Rivet to start working on the crib. And I'll hang back and help with Raph's room."

"What about Leatherhead?" April asked.

"Have you left the lair at all this week?" Mikey asked.

"No."

"Then you can go for a walk, stretch your legs, and get some fresh air." Mikey smiled up at his friend. "In fact, how about you go back to your old place and get your things and live here?"

Silence followed, before Leatherhead tentatively asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah!" Mikey exclaimed, a little bit of colour coming back to his face. "You'll have to hang in the lounge room for a little bit until we get a room clear, but there's nothing stopping us!"

On some level Michelangelo probably knew his friend couldn't say no, anything to keep that smile on his face.

"Okay."

April left, albeit begrudgingly, with Leatherhead escorting her out. Casey's first step was to get an empty tub from Donnie's lab.

"The shit ton of empty bug spray cans this dude has needs to go!" he says, pushing open Raph's door, leaving Mikey to stare down Leo's.

"You can do this," he breathed, wringing his hands together. He'd been in Leo's room plenty of times and he never knocked, why did he feel like he had to now? "I'm being stupid."

He forced the door open and was hit. Hit by smells, hit by memories, hit in the shin by step up he was taking in his family hierarchy.

Maybe he should wait for next year's comic convention.

No.

Yes.

No.

_Yes._

_No!_

"Grow up, Michelangelo!" he scolded himself in his best Leo voice. He took a tentative step, like he's stepping in a mine field, even though Leo's room is clean and free of stuff on the floor. He gets over to Leo's 'prized' shelf before he realises he doesn't have anything to put the stuff in. He rushed out to Donnie's lab, grabbed a tub and starts again. Slow, small steps and some internal scolding.

Mikey tried to put the things on the shelf in the tub in the same order they were on the shelf. He assumed it was important because Leo never did anything just because. There was always something refined about how he did things, something Splinter once told Mikey scared him to see in a teenager.

"Nah," Mikey said at the time, "I caught him crying over some Space Heroes fanfiction last night. I wouldn't stress about it too much."

The tub was full but the shelf only half empty. "Stupid action figures," Mikey muttered to himself, taking the tub to the living space and getting a bigger tub.

"Dude," Casey popped his head out of Raph's room waving an empty can of spray, "the first thing you're going to do is desensitise Raph to bugs. This shit ain't healthy."

"It's not that bad, is it?"

Casey dragged a tub twice the size of what Mikey had and says, "I haven't even made a fucking dent. He's used like a can per bug."

"Aww geez."

-:-

April come back a few hours later, laptop in hand. Mikey had cleared all the Space Heroes stuff from his brother's room, and Casey had finally cleared all the cans from Raph's and dug up his comics.

"We need to figure out how we're gonna price this stuff," April says, booting up her laptop. "I'm not gonna let some greasy nerd rip you off."

They do it by bit, each individual action figure (which are, by the grace of God, all in their original packets), each comic, each poster or whatever.

"Maybe we should just start an ebay account," Casey mumbles, holding a packet up to the light. "This is too much for one person to take."

"Then what do you suggest, Casey?" April asks.

"Maybe just take the _really_ good stuff with you. Find a couple of people to fight it out for it."

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea!"

The next twenty minutes revolved around setting up a make shift studio in the kitchen. Casey worked on taping a white sheet to the ceiling to hide the fact the photos are being taken in a sewer kitchen, while April got the camera ready.

"I'm gonna go see where Leatherhead is," Mikey called, patting Rivet's head on the way out as he worked on the crib.

Leatherhead hadn't come back, and he admitted having a t-phone would be too much for his nerves and too little for his fingers so Mikey couldn't call him. Mikey knew he would crush it at some point, and Mikey couldn't afford to lose too many spares.

Leatherhead was probably just trying to pull himself together. Him moving in with Mikey was a big thing. Leatherhead had never lived with anyone before, so Mikey knew it would take a while for him to make the transition. He'd probably take over a few things at a time, and spend his days in the lair to accustom himself to the constant noises the lair had. And also to the wailing of the babies.

Mikey just wanted to make sure he was ok.

Leatherhead's lair wasn't that far from Mikey's, so checking on him wasn't a problem. He rapped his knuckles against the door a few times calling Leatherhead's name.

"Come in." The voice was quiet and Mikey could tell his friend was probably rocking himself back and forth. He pushed the door open gently, trying to avoid making too sudden a noise.

"Dude, you ok?"

Leatherhead was huddled in the corner, not rocking as Mikey had suspected, but rather staring at what little he owned like it had burnt him.

"I don't want to be an imposition," he muttered quietly.

"I asked you to move in," Mikey said, smiling. "If you're not ready don't worry."

_Because I don't want to push you away._

_I don't want you to push me away._

_I don't want to lose another person._

Those things were left unsaid, but Leatherhead could see them in Mikey's eyes even though he smiled.

"But I want to."

"Ok, but don't feel you need to do it all at once," Mikey said quietly, sliding down the wall next to Leatherhead. "Slow and steady."

"That's never been your style, Michelangelo" Leatherhead says, fiddling with the teddy bear Mikey had gotten for him.

"I guess…" Mikey's brow furrowed, "Some things just have to change, don't they?"

-:-

"Mikey!" Casey yelled, dragging Mikey to the kitchen. "We've sold so much!"

"I've been gone for like half an hour!"

"Well, the auctions aren't technically over" April said, pointing to her laptop, "But there are loads of watchers on everything we've put up so far! It'll go nuts once it's closer to the end."

"Oh." It was a soft noise, close to a breath. Casey barely heard it and he was standing right next to Mikey.

"How did it go with Leatherhead?"

"It's gonna be slow, but he'll get in here eventually."

"I think it's good that you invited him to live here," April said. "But where will he stay?"

"I was thinking Leo's room, because it's going to be the easiest." Mikey rubbed a hand over his face. "Raph's probably needs to be fumigated from all the bug spray and Donnie's is just full of stuff."

"Yeah, Donnie's room is going to be a problem" Casey groaned. "Everything's in bits but we've got no idea what important and what's not."

"We can just leave it for now. What are you going to do about Sensei's room, Mikey?" April asked quietly.

"Not sure. I haven't really thought about it. He's got a lot of photos; I want to keep those, and all his kimonos and things. They all have a family crest on it, we can't go dumping that in some donation bin, the police will go nuts."

"Why?" Casey asked.

"Because he's technically a missing person topside," Mikey explained quietly. "Maybe I'll just box them away until I can wear them or something."

"We can get those vacuum bags so bugs don't get to them!" April said excitedly.

"I think Raph's sorted the bug problem, Red" Casey said dryly with a smirk.

"Ha ha. And we can get some albums for Splinter's photos to keep them safe too."

It was unspoken, but they all knew Mikey would be moving into Splinter's room at some point. When the boys got too old to be sharing a room they'd need their own space and with Leatherhead intending to occupy a room, which left Mikey to shift to the bedroom in the dojo.

It was kind of like a game, to see how many times they could bring it up without actually _saying_ it.

-:-

Mikey had no idea what time April and Casey left. It was late and their timing was great because Rivet alerted him it was time to feed the babies and they were too far gone to call back.

The first time he had to feed them all, alone. Rivet was still on a no touching basis with the babies, so Mikey had to find a way to wrangle three babies and three bottles at once.

Donnie started to grumble from the crib. One week, and Mikey already knew whose noises was whose. Gently, he lifted Donnie out, trying his best not to disturb the sleeping Leo and Raph.

"Hey there," Mikey said as he sat down on the couch. Donnie looked up at him with his big brown eyes, as if waiting for him to say more. But what do you say to a baby? Just as Mikey was about to open his mouth, Donnie started making loud, whiny, 'I'm hungry' noises. Mikey quickly stood up and tried rocking Donnie quiet.

"Please, please stop! Rivet, how much longer!?" Some indiscriminate sounding beeps (to Mikey anyway) came from the kitchen. "Now I gotta learn robot _and_ baby. Awesome."

He could hear Leo and Raph beginning to shift in the crib just as Rivet stepped out of the kitchen, holding a tray with three bottles and a steaming bowl of instant ramen.

"Who's the ramen for?" Mikey asked dumbly, taking a bottle from the tray and offering it to Donatello. Rivet beeped a bit, and Mikey figured it meant 'you'. Rivet set the tray on the couch next to Mikey and took a step away.

Mikey had to think when the last time he ate was. It was probably breakfast. He'd completely forgotten about lunch, what with the weight of letting his material ties to his brothers go. Rivet looked at Mikey, as if waiting for something.

"You aren't gonna let me go unless I eat the ramen, are you?" Rivet turned his head from side to side in a clear 'no', his eyes lighting up red. Mikey smiled down at Donnie, gulping away happily at his bottle. "He's your robot."

When Donnie finished his bottle, Mikey moved on to feeding Leo, who had begun to wail and then Raph. When all three of the boys are in their crib, bundled up in warm blankets, Mikey can't help but watch them. They were so peaceful, completely unaware of the turmoil around them.

Rivet beeped at Mikey, warning beeps almost. He sighed and sat down, taking his bowl of ramen and fork. He slurped at his noodles, self-conscious that he was being stared down by a robot. When he finished he presented his empty bowl to Rivet,

"There, are you happy?" The robot scanned the bowl and his eyes lit up green with approval. He took the bowl and tray of bottles, petting Mikey on the head before heading to the kitchen and then the lab to power down for the night.

Mikey cried himself to sleep that night.

* * *

**When I said there was going to be a plot, I meant that this was more going to be a collection of drabbles than an a to b to c story. Oops.**

**Do you like it?**


	3. 修業

He just wanted to tear them open. Tear them the hell open so he could keep them, so whoever was taking it from him didn't want it. And just leave it all scattered there in the lounge space.

"This was your idea, Michelangelo. We need the money" he told himself.

And it was good money too. They got a couple of hundred from just selling off action figures and whatever else. Mikey didn't bother to keep track. He hadn't had a decent sleep all week.

"Have you eaten?" He jumped at the sound of April's voice. She was flanked by Rivet; both had their arms crossed with disapproving looks.

"No. I over slept."

"I'll just have to make you breakfast then."

"No!" Mikey leapt up between April and the path to the kitchen. "I'd rather you didn't."

"Hey, my cooking is not that bad!" April huffed and picked up the tub of merchandise. "Is everything in here?"

"Yeah," Mikey sighed. "That's everything."

"I'll bring you back a pizza, Mikey." April smiled with a sad look in her eye and turned to leave the lair.

"Bye, Leo" Mikey mumbled to himself when she was gone.

-:-

Leatherhead stared at the small space. He had never been in any of the bedrooms and he felt like he was intruding on some precious, sacred ground.

"I will not need a mattress, Michelangelo" he said quietly.

"I didn't think you would. I've just got to clean out Donnie's room to keep it in and then I can move the boys into Raph's old room."

"They are getting quite big aren't they?"

"Yep. I've had to send Rivet and Casey out to get some wood for new cribs."

He looked so old. Nearly six months had gone and Leatherhead had never seen Michelangelo don his orange mask, or stay in the dojo long enough to train. Leatherhead had watched his friend slowly let things go, things that without, Michelangelo just wasn't Michelangelo.

"Will you start training again?" Leatherhead asked, casting his eyes off to the dojo.

"I'll have to. I remembered Splinter saying he took a break from hard core training when we all got mutated. I do a kata every now and then. I just can't pick up a weapon again just yet."

Michelangelo smiled.

Leatherhead hated that smile. So tired, withered, forced.

"May I train with you?"

"What?"

_I know how you hate to do things alone._ "April confessed she would like to continue her training. And I think it would help me with my anger issues."

"Sure!"

Michelangelo smiled.

Leatherhead loved that smile. So honest, youthful, bright.

I will fight for you, Leatherhead thought; I will keep you from drowning.

Even if that meant fighting Michelangelo himself.

-:-

Play pens were a gift from God, Mikey lamented after playing a long, long game of '"I'm the adult come back here!" "But adventure!"' with Leo.

None of them could walk quite yet, but they could crawl like it was an Olympic sport. And as such, Mikey had panicked and over done it on the child gates. There was a set blocking off the kitchen, one for the entrance to the lair, one for the entrance to the lab (and its garage door padlocked) and a gate blocking off the dojo. But none of them had working doors - the catch of taking things from the dump – so they doubled as hurdles for everyone else. The gates were mostly duct tapped together and haphazardly secured to the wall with nails, screws and some wood.

But Mikey also kept a play pen set up in the living area, so he knew where they were. Or for when he was vacuuming.

Yes, Hamato Michelangelo was vacuuming the lair. Admittedly he wasn't doing a very good job of it, convinced the thing was trying to choke him to death.

"Why didn't I get Rivet to do thIS!" Mikey yelped as the vacuum wrapped around his ankle and sent him toppling over. To add insult to injury, one of the boys threw a soft toy from their pen hitting Mikey square in the head. "The universe is trying to tell me something."

He disentangled himself from the vacuum, but didn't get up off the floor. The lair was quiet, with only the slight giggles and grunts of the boys echoing around the lair.

_It's so peaceful._

Mikey wouldn't have gone so far to say he was at peace; there were a lot of different things still jumbled up inside him. Top of the list being routines, loneliness, lack of sleep, do I want to know what happened to Splinter, yes I do, no I don't.

"Ugh, I'm not doing that again!" Mikey raked his hands over his face and rolled onto his stomach. It was a fight he had regularly with himself, whether or not he should storm up to Shedder's tower and demand to know what happened. On the other hand, Splinter only had one wound on him. Mikey didn't want to see Shredder revel in what Mikey knew had to be his father's slow, painful demise.

Some things are just meant to be left alone.

Or are they?

Yes, there are.

But-

"NO!" he yelled, jumping up suddenly. The boys stilled in their pen, staring up at him. Great, he scared them. Mikey sighed and bent over to pick up the toy that had been thrown at him. He smiled and said, "And who exactly is responsible for this?"

-:-

Blood.

Blood everywhere.

No.

_NO!_

"This can't be happening."

"But it is, Michelangelo!" Shredder roared, twisting the blade in Splinter's gut. "And it's all your fault."

Karai cackled. She had him pinned to the wall, her forearm blocking off his airway.

Fear is not something that bubbles or trickles in your stomach. It pounds in your chest, violently beating your ribcage and tainting the blood running through your veins until you feel it in your toes and you stop breathing and everything just slows and all you can focus on is that _one thing._ Like a spider, or how high up you are, or how small your space is.

Or your father's blood dribbling down his chin.

_Knock._

"Splinter!"

_Knock._

Shredder pulled the blade out, twisting as he went.

_Thud._

_Knock._

"DAD!"

_Knock._

"Ahh!" he screamed, bolting upright from his bed and rushing to his door to turn the light on.

He was home, he was safe.

_Knock._

Carefully, with shaking hands, Mikey opened the door. Rivet looked in, eyes a bright amber colour.

"Hey Rivet! How are you? Are the boys awake? What's up?" Rivet beeped at him. Mikey could tell he was unimpressed, a quality he didn't think could be found in a robot. He sighed, "It was just another nightmare."

There was a time where Mikey would have rambled, he would have jumped out from behind the door and landed in whoever's arms were waiting. But he was an adult now, at the tender age of sixteen, nearly seventeen. And adults don't snivel and cry about some silly nightmare.

Right?

-:-

Michelangelo hadn't stepped foot in his father's bedroom since the day they left to bury him. April and Casey had to go in and put all of Splinter's clothes in vacuum bags because getting rid of all of Leo's things was hard enough, he couldn't bear the thought of packing up his father's things too.

Even though they were just putting them away in storage, so bugs didn't eat his last connection to his father.

How pathetic is that?

But here he was, standing at the threshold of his father's room to find _it. _

"Come on, Mikey."

He was doing an overhaul. He had looked at himself in the mirror that morning and couldn't recognise the skinny boy staring back at him. Things had to change.

First was his diet. He had meagre groceries in his fridge, so he settled for canned beans on toast and some canned peaches. Normally they were reserve stocks for when they weren't able to reach a grocers, but Mikey had April and Casey for back up.

Second was his routine. He couldn't shift it too much because the boys were used to it and so was Mikey and he was finally getting some sleep, but he could devote the spare time he used to stare through news reports and soap operas to his training. He figured he'd gotten so thin from a lack of diet, sleep and training. His muscles just felt faded, unaccustomed to lifting more than a baby's weight.

Yes, we are going to ignore the burden he carries on his shoulders because that's mostly in his head.

And the third step was his friends. The only time he saw April and Casey anymore was when they dropped off supplies, and he hadn't seen Shadow in weeks. He only saw Leatherhead regularly once a week for lunch, what with the babies still being so loud, small and fragile.

So, in an attempt to fix his problems Mikey set out to find _it_. Splinter had anticipated a day when he would not be around to guide his sons in their training. He had everything any self-teaching ninja could need in a trunk, locked tightly and kept away from unnecessary eyes (and feet).

Michelangelo had been one of them.

Leonardo knew where the chest was kept and so did Donatello. It was somewhere underneath Splinter's bedroom floor. Donatello had helped to build the compartment and Leo knew about it naturally because he was the leader. Mikey and Raph tended to block out all conversation of the damn thing because they didn't like what it represented or what it meant for their future.

Poor Raph, Mikey thought, he spent all that time loathing something that would never affect him.

After about twenty minutes of rapping his knuckles against the floor, Mikey figured Donnie wouldn't leave the hole too hollow to be found so simply. Knowing Mikey's luck Donnie probably buried it twenty feet deep with a missile launching robot, more padlocks than there are keys and three voice activated locks, one of which only responds to Swedish.

But it would also be Mikey's luck that Donnie wrote all that down and put it somewhere in his lab. Because _it's not science unless you write it down._ And Donnie was a bit of a hoarder.

Which was actually great for Mikey. For anything to migrate from the lab to Donnie's room he had to like working on it. A t-phone he was planning to upgrade would make the cut but not a t-phone that needed repairs, so most things in the lab Donnie remained firmly detached from as responsibilities, which made for ample, guilt free snooping.

Ok, so snooping was the wrong word given the situation, but this expedition was all about rejuvenation and bringing back the old Michelangelo, the snoop-master!

And it was never that hard. He just had to go for whatever had a "MIKEY DO NOT TOUCH!" label on it and he generally got a reaction (sometimes the reaction would come from Mikey on the few occasions Donnie planted something to try and ward him off for a while, like the 'oozing file incident' which _will never be brought up ever. _If you must know, when Donnie pranked, he pranked _hard_).

Red labels were usually the first thing on Mikey's list to sniff out, but things with locks were too difficult it meddle with so he left them. But not today! Today anything with a lock was probably his best bet. This was important stuff he was looking for; Donnie wouldn't just leave it lying around.

-:-

An hour, probably more, and nothing! He had found nothing! Mikey was starting to wish Donnie was more of an organised hoarder. This was no fun, it was draining flipping through every notebook he could find, thumbing through every idea Donnie's ever had. He even still had the battleship plans him and Mikey had drawn up as kids in crayon.

"Splinter probably took them and burnt them or something," Mikey groaned as he carefully slid a note book back into Donnie's desk drawer. "At least I know how to fix the fridge now if I need to."

He didn't really. He just knew what notebook to read to find out how.

Mikey glanced at the clock on the desk, checking if the boys were due for a feed. They weren't, but he didn't feel like searching anymore and he _was not_ going to fall back into the habit of watching bad soap operas and home shopping channels.

"_Beep beep beep."_

_Thump._

"Huh, what is it Riv- _how the heck did you find it!?"_

Of course Donnie would have told the robot, of course! Rivet nudged the trunk further into the lab with his foot and tapped his temple, his eyes glowing a funny blue colour.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier? Like when I told you I was going to go looking for it!?"

Rivet shrugged and Mikey swore if the damn robot had a mouth it'd be smirking at him. He was getting sassed by a robot!

"_Bloop."_

"How _dare_ you bloop me!?"

Rivet sniggered – _sniggered_, Mikey thought, who does he think buys his oil? - and left Mikey to his own devices.

"It's locked," Mikey mumbled, tugging at the padlock latched onto the trunk. Just his luck. Now he'd probably have to spend another hour looking for a key until Rivet decided to troll him with the key.

Nah. Mikey knew where the bolt cutters were. That's one mistake Donnie was never able to live down. He'd just break the lock and get moving.

-:-

_My dear sons,_

"Nope," Mikey sighed, "Just son."

_If you are reading this, then the worst has happened. It hurts me to write this, especially with you all being so young._

Did he really have to do this? He wasn't supposed to read this. This was written with the intention of Leo reading out, not Mikey to himself.

_I can only hope you are all doing well._

"Nope! Nope, I'm done! Too much!" Mikey yelled, scrunching the note up and throwing it into some god forsaken corner of the lab. That could wait. It's not like he didn't know what the letter was going to say anyway. It just felt so wrong, right down in his stomach, reading it. It wasn't meant for him it was meant for _them_. All of them. Had it been addressed to '_My dear Michelangelo_' he might have been able to eventually get through it regardless of the mess it would make him.

But he couldn't afford to become that mess. There were too many people depending on him.

And that's not a feeling he was used too.

Everything in the trunk was written in Japanese like he thought it would be, so he couldn't just send April home with a scroll as an assignment. He smiled and pulled out his t-phone and sent a text to April.

_You may call me Sensei._

A minute went and then: _You found it!?_

_Eventually. We can start training next week. I need to wrap my head around everything in here._

_:D!_

Mikey laughed and turned back to the trunk. Some of this stuff was old and he felt weird touching it, worried it would turn to dust.

"Now you're being dumb, Mikey." And just like that, his smile was gone.

-:-

"Heck yeah! Let's do this!" Shadow shouted, waving her fists wildly in the air. "I wanna be a ninjette!"

"The word for a girl ninja is kunoichi, Shadow. Not ninjette," Mikey laughed as he led her to the dojo. April and Casey followed closely behind. The boys were playing quietly in their play pen, set up under the tree. Any and all weapons were far away on the other side of the dojo, well out of reach.

"Is Leatherhead not joining us?" April asked.

"No. He comes and trains with me at night when the boys are asleep. It's easier that way, especially with Raph's old room cleared out."

"Enough talking, let's get to fighting!" Shadow said, darting towards the closest weapons stand.

"Not so fast!" Mikey cried, catching her by the back of her shirt. "You're not ready for a weapon yet."

"Boo" Shadow pouted.

"We have to stretch first. April, Casey?"

"I'm not joining," Casey said. "I'm fine with the way I fight."

"You could at least help us spar. You could stand to learn a thing or two," April teased, poking Casey in the ribs.

"Is that a challenge?"

"Maybe."

"There will strictly be no flirting in _my _dojo!" Mikey warned, earning a giggle from Shadow. April and Casey both went pink and sat down to stretch.

"This is gonna be so cool!" Shadow rambled. "I wanna use the swords!"

"Not yet," Casey grumbled. "And you're not bringing anything home. Dad will kill me."

"But I'll need to practice at home if I want to get any good!"

"You can practice at home. You just can't practice with any weapons."

"You do," Shadow sneered.

"A sword is different from a baseball bat, Shadow" Mikey leaned over to pat her on the head. "If Casey hurts himself practicing that's fine, we can replace him. New York is bursting with street thugs. But we're a little short on kunoichi."

"Sensei Mikey is right," April smiled, giving Casey a side eye. "You have to listen to him."

"Or I won't bring you back down here" Casey warned.

Mikey could see Shadow trying to gauge how serious her brother was, so he put on his best serious face. He really didn't want to deal with Shadow stealing weapons and then bringing them back as if to prove how good a ninja she was (and he's pretty sure she would at least try it).

"When can I start using weapons?" Shadow asked.

"When you're twenty" Casey mumbled, earning a glare.

"Depends how well you do," Mikey said, standing up. "Who's ready for some training?"

"I am!" April cheered, shaking Casey by the shoulder. "Ready to lose?"

Mikey sent April and Casey off to one side of the dojo to spar. The idea was to warm April up a little bit more and to help her bring everything she knew ninjustu wise to the forefront of her mind. That's how Splinter helped to get Mikey focused for training, with a quick spar first up. Mikey and Shadow stayed close to the play pen. He showed her very basic stances, some punches and kicks. He honestly didn't know where to start, and all of Splinter's notes were on what to teach an already established ninja. Mikey just counted himself lucky Shadow was a better student than he ever was.

"This'll be good practice for you when the babies grow up, huh Rooish?" Shadow said between punches. "You're a really good teacher."

"It's Sensei Rooish when we're in here, Shadow" Mikey said lightly. "Do you really think so?"

Shadow stopped her round of punches, turned to him and bowed. "I really do, Sensei."

_Michelangelo, no, no! Don't you dare! Don't you dare cry! It'll undermine your authority!_

Who was he kidding? He'd never used the word undermine in his life.

"Thanks, Shadow."

Training went on for another hour before Casey and Shadow had to leave. Mikey had spent most of the switching between Shadow and April, coaching her through her sparring with Casey, which had become much slower and more calculated than it had started.

"What do we do now, Sensei?" April chirped after saying goodbye to Casey and Shadow.

"Katas."

They went on for another hour, going through katas, learning new moves and sparring, before Raph started screaming his signature 'I'm bored as all heck' scream demanding attention. Mikey and April decided to take a break, lying down with the boys in the play pen.

"I've really enjoyed this," April said quietly. "It's good to see you a little bit greener."

"I _feel_ greener" Mikey laughed as he shook a toy at Raph. "I'm not too sure about teaching though."

"I think you're a good teacher. Just… just don't try and be like Master Splinter was. Be you."

"It probably isn't totally right for you to call me Sensei," Mikey said. "Senpai is probably more appropriate."

"Oh, senpai!" April pretended to swoon, with her backhand pressed to her forehead.

"I feel like you're mocking me."

"You'd be right."

They laughed. For the first time in a long time, they laughed and just talked - like they used to, like they were young again.

"Same time tomorrow?" April asked before she left.

"Yeah. Bring your tessen and we'll have a _real_ spar."

"You're on."

And for once, when she left, Michelangelo didn't feel like his home was emptier for it. It felt fuller.

* * *

**So, I've had pretty full on hip surgery. Hence why its been a bit silent this way.**

**Tell me what you think. :)**


	4. 抱擁と涙

Michelangelo never thought he'd dread Christmas. The thought of it would have sent him into a fit years ago. Ever since Splinter was able to trust Michelangelo with a ladder on his own the lair was always decorated with some gaudy tinsel and flickering lights.

But now he had three teething toddlers screaming in his ears, a migraine that was about three days old, and he hadn't been out the lair in nearly _four weeks_.

"Do I _look like _I want to do a Christmas dinner, April?" Mikey snapped. "I don't even really want to do dinner tonight!" He crammed his mop and bucket into the tall cupboard in the corner of the kitchen. "Aren't you doing something with your aunt anyway? Why would you want to spend Christmas down here?"

"You skipped out on Thanks Giving, remember?" April put her hands firmly on her hips. "You've spent too long down here."

"I've been busy. Raising three kids takes up a lot of my time."

"That's an excuse. Ever since the Mutanimals took over beating up the Kraang you've completely withdrawn from the outside world. Casey and I can't keep getting groceries for you." April pouted and threw a longing look to the lounge room. "You haven't even put up any lights, or your tree."

Mikey frowned at the thought of his little Christmas tree. It wasn't even half his height and judging by its merit alone it was the most pathetic thing he owned. The only reason it stood upright was because Mikey had taped a ruler to the tree's snapped spine. Last he saw it was-

"I threw that out a month ago" he mumbled.

"_Why_ would you do that?" April cried, "You loved that tree."

He had loved that tree. He was meticulous in decorating it with tinsel and lights, so much so that you couldn't tell that it had no leaves. He'd found it while cleaning out his own room after a grand epiphany of just how much _crap he owned that a small child could choke on._ It was in a raggedy box at the top of his wardrobe. He didn't react immediately but before he knew it he was storming out of the lair throwing Casey a terse _I'll be back soon _and then top side, smashing every bauble, tearing every shred of tinsel, snapping the tree in half, and tossing is all in the first dumpster he could find.

"I guess I wanted to start fresh," Mikey shrugged, deciding to not tell April about the inexplicable anger he felt about the tree. "The boys aren't going to remember anything this year, I really just don't want to think about it."

"But… but its Christmas." Mikey rolled his eyes at April's pouting and started digging out vegetables from the fridge.

"I know that. Look, you can babysit tomorrow night and I'll go out with Leatherhead and get food. Just do me a favour and drop the Christmas topic."

"Will you at least call me Christmas night?"

"Yes. I'll call, now can we please drop it? I have a headache."

-:-

"Something troubles you, my friend."

Mikey readjusted his grip on his grocery bag. He and Leatherhead were heading back to the lair after picking up some groceries. "It's Christmas. I'm not looking forward to it."

He really didn't want to think about it. How he used to get all his brothers and father up a whatever time was agreed upon the night before and cook them a special Christmas breakfast. Every year Leo's eyes would widen at the work load Mikey set himself and insist on helping, and Raph would remark how that was a bad idea because Leo could burn water, and Don would hum with agreement. Splinter would simply smile and sip whatever Christmas themed tea Mikey had insisted he drink.

"Would you like me to come and have dinner with you?" Leatherhead asked.

"If you want to. I don't really want to have to do anything big though."

"That is fine, Michelangelo. It'll will be my first Christmas. It may be best to start small."

Mikey's eyes widened and he stopped in his tracks. "You've never celebrated Christmas?"

Leatherhead kept walking, tilting his head back to Mikey. "Of course not. Why would I?"

That made a lot of sense. Mikey felt bad, he'd completely forgotten about Leatherhead. The guy was almost ready to move in properly and he hadn't even thought to invite the guy to Christmas (as sombre and self-pitying it was going to be).

"We shouldn't be alone for Christmas," Mikey straightened his shoulders and jogged to catch up with Leatherhead. "I'll do dinner. Just dinner. Invite the Mutanimals. I'll let April and Casey know. I'll make soup and a pudding or something."

"And some bread for Pete."

"And bread for Pete." Mikey nodded. He was going to do this, he had to try. He would have all morning to feel sorry for himself. "No presents. I don't have time for that. I already have a present for you though. You'll have to come over before everyone else does."

"Very well. I look forward to it. I'm glad you're doing this."

Mikey smirked. "Did April put you up to this?"

"Not at all." Leatherhead smiled and Mikey knew he wasn't lying. "I just didn't think it was right you were alone on Christmas."

-:-

Christmas morning Mikey was woken up to the sound of a screaming child.

"I can't wait for this teething phase to be over," he mumbled, slowly sliding out of bed and trudging out to the babies' room.

"Come on, who's grumpy?" He yawned as he slipped into the room. He was greeted by Leo's wide blue eyes and teary, snotty face. As Mikey got close Leo stuck his arms up, only quieting down when Mikey picked him up and started rubbing his back. "Not a big fan of Christmas?"

Mikey cringed as Leo rubbed his little face across his shoulder. He needed a shower anyway and he supposed it was better to have a snotty shoulder than a vomit covered shell (an indecent punishment he wasn't sure he deserved). He slipped out of the room with his little bundle and slowly padded his way to the bathroom.

"How about a shower? We can clean your face and my shoulder." Leo just yawned and hid his face his Mikey neck. "Hey, you woke me up."

Their bathroom set up with pretty simple. On the right was the bath, an old porcelain pink thing Splinter had ripped out of some condemned building and managed to drag into the sewers. They never bothered with a shower curtain. The whole lair felt damp most of the time anyway, a shower curtain just meant there would be another thing to clean. The shower head was just a pipe coming out of the ceiling and a garden hose nozzle Donatello had fashioned years ago. Propped against the wall just next to the bath (with a very carefully built child proof guard around it) was their old water boiler.

Mikey stepped into the bath and turned the tap built into the wall. Leo's head picked up as the water started to fall. Mikey smiled as he watched his brother try and follow the water with his eyes. Mikey reached his hand under the stream to checked the temperature, chuckling as Leo tried to do the same in vain but couldn't quite reach. Mikey took his wet hand and quickly wiped it across Leo's face, earning a few whines.

"Trust me, this is better than a crusty face," Mikey stuck his tongue out at Leo's look of pure indignation. "I've had enough of them to know."

Slowly, Mikey backed into the water stream. He tilted his head back and let the water run down his face briefly. "What do you think, Leo? Look like fun?"

Leo watched with wide eyes, moving his hands in and out of the stream. He gasped a little bit, his eyes dancing with wonder.

Mikey had read on those 'mummy blogs' that this was a magical thing, introducing a baby to the shower for the first time. Well, it was half and half. One half ended in screaming and tears. And the other half was more like this. Wonder and trust and something else Mikey couldn't pin point that he could only describe as good. He reached down to grab the wash cloth hanging over the edge of the bath. He started to wipe Leo's face. Mikey thought Leo might protest, but he was too focused on the water to be bothered.

"Thanks for making this easy, Leo." Mikey smiled and kissed Leo's forehead, just as the sound of the other two waking up reached his ears. "Shell knows the rest of today won't be."

-:-

Mikey vaguely registered that Slash was giving him a weird look. But he ignored it pretty well, focusing on his soup and preventing Pete from eating all the bread in the kitchen.

"No! I bought you the good stuff, you can wait until dinner!"

"Ahh let the guy eat," Slash grumbled as Mikey wrestled Pete out of the kitchen.

"No, Michelangelo is correct." Rockwell took Pete by the elbow and directed him to the TV. "He has gone to the trouble of making us dinner, be polite and wait."

Mikey was sure Rockwell was using his powers to calm Pete down and he wasn't completely sure how he felt about that but he said thanks anyway and ducked back into the kitchen.

"Where are they?" Mikey spun on his heels to face Slash's glare. Everyone else was in the main part of the lair. April and Casey weren't able to get away from their families. Mikey figured he'd have to stay up late to call April like he promised or just not bother and send her a text and fall asleep before she calls to make him regret it.

"Where are who?"

"The _guys._"

Oh.

Ohh.

"They're sleeping. Why?"

"Curious. I want to see them."

"No, they're sleeping. Your tip toe is a stomp you'll wake them before you even open the door." Mikey laughed, ignoring the tight feeling in his chest. Slash was still glaring. "Have I done something wrong?"

"No." Slash grunted and turned to leave.

"Then why the attitude?"

Where did that come from? Maybe it was the stress of cooking for two giants and three others, or maybe it was because he hadn't had that one-hour cry like he'd wanted. Either way he wasn't in the mood for… whatever this was.

"What?"

"You heard me. You've been glaring at me every chance you get. I must have said something in the twenty minutes you've been here, because I haven't even _seen _you in the last seven months. Not to pay your respects or just to say hi." Don't cry, don't cry over _Slash_.

"You never offered." Oh, this guy had the nerve to sound annoyed.

"Of course I didn't, you idiot! Do you have any idea what it's been like for me? I'm pretty much stuck down here being miserable! I don't ask anyone to visit because it's awful here! I'm awful! Everything about this is awful and it would have been nice if the one person who could even come close to what I'm feeling had given a crud!"

"…Wow."

Yeah, wow. At the risk of being repetitive, where did _that_ come from? Aside from the occasional cry under his bedsheets Mikey had never been so emotional about Slash. And it really all was true. He tried to even out his breathing, only just realising he'd been yelling. Everyone in the lair was sure to have heard him.

_I'm so calling April tonight._

"If you want to see them you'll have to ring me or something and we can sort it out." Mikey rubbed his hands against his face and turned away from Slash to stir his soup. "we can have lunch or-"

"Forget it" Slash growled and left the kitchen. Mikey had half a mind to keep yelling at him, but it was Christmas. He always hated it when his family fought on Christmas.

-:-

As Slash was leaving, Mikey quietly slipped him a neatly wrapped box.

"I thought you said no presents."

"I did. This is different."

Slash didn't unwrap his gift there. Mikey knew he'd wait until he was alone to open it. He had decided to give Slash Raphael's old sais. He knew the guy would probably have his own sort of shrine.

As he waved Slash away from the turnstiles Mikey felt the soft pressure of Leatherhead's hand on his back.

"That was a very kind gesture."

"Slash loved Raph. I don't think it's fair that he has nothing just because he's not that great to me." Mikey shrugged and smiled up at Leatherhead. "How about we unwrap our presents now?"

"That sounds wonderful." Leatherhead slowly followed his friend to the pit of the living room.

"No time like the present, huh?" Mikey laughed with a cheesy grin. "Wait right here. I kept your present in my room. Close your eyes!"

Leatherhead did as he was told and sat down. Listening to the shuffle of Michelangelo darting off was amusing. Not all that long ago the only sound the boy made was the drag of his feet against the ground. But now it was more like when they had first met, even after the altercation during the night. Which both parties had pretended didn't happen quite brilliantly.

"Ok, you ready?"

The crinkle of paper and the excitement in Michelangelo's voice made Leatherhead smile as he nodded and opened his eyes. Mikey held an oddly shaped present about half his height, wrapped in a multitude of different papers and complete with a stick on bow. Gently, Leatherhead took it in his hand, and handed Michelangelo his gift with the other. It was a decorated box (that he had April buy on his behalf) about the size for Mikey's head.

He watched Mikey take the lid off the box as he slowly knelt down on the floor. He watched his friend's eyes widen as he picked out a coffee mug with _#1 Best Friend_ printed on the side in bold black letters.

"This is the best thing ever," Mikey mumbled, tilting the mug in his hand. "I'm gonna drink out of it every day."

"I'm glad." Leatherhead gently started to tear away the paper from his present as Mikey began to marvel at the plush toy alligator and turtle shaped book mark left in the box. As he tore the paper of his present away, he was greeted with a giant teddy bear, with its own orange mask.

"Do you like it?"

How could he not? The nervous quiver in his friend's voice was saddening. Leatherhead wondered when Michelangelo had started to doubt himself. One of the things Leatherhead had always admired about him was is confidence and conviction in his actions. Maybe it was just first Christmas time nerves that he wouldn't worry about next year.

"He is perfect. Thank you, Michelangelo." He put the bear to the side and opened his arms to his friend. Quickly Michelangelo jumped into the hug, and they stayed there for the night, under the soft glow of the Christmas light Mikey had haphazardly pined to the walls. They stayed together like they always had, listening to each other's gentle breathing, pretending the rest of the world didn't exist. Safe with one another.

It was the first peaceful sleep either of them had had in a long time.

-:-

"How did you convince me to do this?" April grumbled, holding two pieces of wood together. She levelled a glare at Mikey as he rummaged through the tool box. "And how did I not think to ask how you broke one of the cribs?"

"_I _didn't break anything. Leatherhead swung his tail too wide in training and broke the child guards to the dojo. I asked Rivet to fix it, but quickly. So instead of trying to find anything at the dump he took apart one of the cribs."

"And you didn't realise until this morning?"

"He moved Donnie into Raph's crib."

"You freaked out didn't you?"

"I may have assumed the crib ate Donnie and ran away."

"HA! What I wouldn't give to see that!" April laughed and her grip on the wood slipped.

"Hold it still or you'll get a nail in the hand. Or worse," Mikey snapped. This was not his thing, nails and hammers, or any kind of building for that matter.

"Just get Rivet to do it."

"He refused. He thinks because two babies can fit in one crib that building a third is a waste of time."

"That doesn't sound like Rivet."

"That's because he's always on his best behaviour when you're here."

"He's a robot, Mikey."

"Donnie built him! Of course he's gonna go bolt over steel for you!"

April snorted as Mikey wacked a nail with the hammer. "Was that supposed to be the robot version of head over heels?"

"My humour is slipping, cut me a bit of slack."

"You know what you need? A vacation!"

"I'm not going to Northampton."

_A year_. It had almost been a year. It felt like so much longer.

"What about a birthday party?"

"What?"

"For the boys!" April beamed. Clearly she had already planned it all out in her head. "I've bought them some toys. I want to see them unwrap them!"

Mikey hadn't thought about that. Should he have? He didn't even have high chairs for his brothers, or cutlery made for babies, let alone birthday presents.

"Wait, if you don't have high chairs how do you feed the boys?"

Oh crap.

Did he say that out load?

"You know those big plastic sheets?"

"Oh Mikey, you don't…"

"I do," he cringed. "I lay it down in the play pen and give them a big plate of food."

"_Mikey!_"

"It's only when I'm too tired to feed them one by one! What do you want me to do?!"

"We're finding some high chairs! Rivet! How could you let him do this!?"

"Don't chastise the robot! He doesn't have a conscience."

"If Donnie built him and I'm yelling at him he does!"

-:-

"I am not having those things in the lair, April. They're _mouldy_."

April frowned. "When have you ever cared? You would eat off this." April tapped the high chair on the side. They were at the dump, trying to find new furniture for the lair.

"I_ would_ have eaten off that, April. But not now." Mikey turned away from the collection of high chairs. "Things have changed. I can't just eat anything that's on the ground now. Or on the wall. Or whatever is in the back of the fridge or behind it… How am I not dead?"

"One should ask," April mumbled. "We'd have to clean it obviously. Rivet could probably make a big steamer thing to kill all the mould and bacteria!"

April tried to be enthusiastic. But it was hitting her all at once how much Mikey had grown up. He was just that bit taller than her, had leaned right up with all his training and his voice even sounded deeper. She'd spent so much time marvelling at how his brothers were growing that she had completely missed Mikey blossom and mature.

"Donnie already made something like that," Mikey said walking around the offending high chair. "I used it to cook fish sometimes."

"Oh my God! I haven't had your fish in ages!" April cried, flailing against his side. "You have to cook it for the boy's birthday!"

Mikey quirked a brow at her and smirked. "Are you ok? You seem very… exaggerated tonight."

She was, because she was trying to hide how sad she was. She missed the way Mikey used to look up at her with those big, round eyes. Now she looked up at him, wondering if his brothers would have had _those cheekbones_ if they were still the right age. She missed his freckles, which had faded into his skin, as had her own, ridding him of that boyish charm. She missed his short bandana ends that used to look like little goldfish, now he wore them long down his back like the tail feathers of some elegant bird. She missed so many things she didn't realised she loved.

"Just feeling nostalgic," she said moving away from him and heading towards another pile of junk. "Come on, we need to find good beds for kids!"

-:-

Mikey's favourite appliance was the food processor. It used to be the milkshake maker (and _wow_ he hadn't had a milkshake in over a year, he and Ice Cream Kitty would have to do something about _that_), but Mikey had found out the hard way that feeding babies steamed veggies as they were was a recipe for disaster. More food was thrown than eaten and rats decided the kitchen was the new heaven.

(And that was the first time he prayed since burying his father, to ask for forgiveness for the rat traps. _Sorry, but if one of those things bites one of the boys I'll torch the place._)

After what was dubbed "The Great Food War", Rivet had printed off recipes upon recipes and slipped them into a folder unapologetically titled _"101 Ways to Make Mush Taste Good"_ and set himself about making the best food processor possible, which Mikey joked had a hundred and one functions of its own.

Tonight's mush was broccoli, carrots, beans, and squash with brown rice mixed in. He'd made enough for him and the boys to eat because he never had time to make his own meal after feeding three kids. And he and Rivet both agreed he couldn't live on instant ramen as an afterthought in the middle of the night.

But it made Casey smile how much Mikey had changed in the last year. He knew it upset April which Casey didn't really get because Mikey was still _Mikey_. The guy still loved pranks, now instead of throwing water balloons about the lair he took Shadow to the roof tops and threw them at people walking by (which Casey begrudgingly overlooked because it was helping Shadow with her aim before she touched any weapons). Mikey cooked more than ever, and he finally started watching kid's shows again instead of those crappy soap operas. Sure he changed physically but they all had, even Leatherhead looked younger with less tension on his shoulders.

"Raph, sit still!" Mikey groaned as he tried to wrestle the thrashing Raph into his high chair. Mikey had to sew some straps into Raph's high chair because the kid was renowned for climbing out of anything (they could only find really old chairs that had none), and Mikey had said that with his luck he'd look away for one second and he'd find Raph on the floor with his head cracked open.

Casey smirked from his vantage point looking into the kitchen. Mikey had no idea he was there. Casey had picked up a thing or two watching Mikey _try_ to train Shadow in stealth.

"Ok," Mikey sighed as he finally clipped Raph into his seat. "Want some rice, Raphie?"

Raph made some grumbling noises as he fidgeted in his chair, but opened his mouth when Mikey pressed the tip of the spoon to his lips. Raph considered the food as he sucked it off the spoon, but Casey could see what was about to happen. April would kill him if he said it out loud, but Casey definitely had a favourite between the boys and there's no special prizes for guessing that was Raph. And it'd break Mikey's heart if Casey said he was pretty sure the boys had some sort of memory of them, because Casey never had an issue with Raph, and Donnie always fell to sleep quickly in April's arms. Casey figured it was like how babies could remember who their parents were, but the boys had that memory since before… just since before. Anyway, those two factors were the reason Casey knew Raph was about to spit his food out.

Mikey didn't realise until it hit his face.

"_Again_, Raph?" Raph giggled and beat his chubby hands against the front of his highchair. Casey was about to step into the kitchen and offer to help Mikey out when it happened.

"Dada!"

"What?"

Casey froze.

"Dada!"

Casey leaned against the doorway, slowly sliding down to the floor. He watched with watery eyes as Mikey went unnaturally ridged.

_How didn't we think of this?_

"No, Raph. _Mike._ I'm Mikey." Casey could hear the nervous rattle in Mikey's voice. He wanted to run in there and hug the guy but something was keeping him firmly on the ground.

His own sadness? Maybe. All three of the boys had made the odd 'dada' sound recently but it was usually followed by some other garbled mess that none of them put much thought into it.

"Dada!" The conviction in Raph's voice hurt Casey and he couldn't imagine how Mikey was feeling. Mikey slumped in his chair and stared at his own feet. There were no tears just a blank expression that scared Casey. The kid couldn't shut down. Not now, not after they've been through so much.

"Dada!"

"I guess I kinda am, huh Raphie?" Mikey mumbled with a barely there smile.

Casey didn't know what to do. He suddenly felt like he was seeing something he definitely shouldn't be. Like he was intruding on an incredibly private moment. Quietly, he slipped away from the kitchen with a plan to re-enter the lair as if he had never heard a thing.

* * *

**So reckons that it has been nearly two years since I updated this story and I didn't mean that at all. I'm sorry :(**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter!**


	5. 誕生日

"Mikey get up."

"April, you need to decide what's more important here. My help or your AHH!"

Mikey just had enough time to grab onto his mattress to save himself from hitting the ground. He turned his head to see April with a firm grip on his leg and a frown that he wouldn't mess with.

"Come on!" April whined as she kept tugging at his leg "We need to decorate the play pen!"

He was close to snapping. But what could he do? The poor girl was still grieving. She didn't have to face it every day like he did, she could distract herself with school and her part time job or just about anything else.

He got it. Distractions were great because sometimes the silence in his lair was deafening.

And Mikey loved his boys he really honestly did and he felt awful for thinking this way, but he didn't feel the way she did. He was stuck in the sewers with them every day, going through the same routine he never got a break from. No quiet time to himself. It was either he had to feed them or change them or wash them or the lair needed to be cleaned and then he had to train then go out and get food and plan what they were going to eat for the week and then actually have to cook it. He was never away long enough to miss them like April did and he was just tired and everything felt like a chore. He was a parent now regardless of how that tore him up inside.

He wanted his dad in that moment.

"Fine, let me have a shower."

He didn't need one. He had showered the night before, after training. But he wanted a cry without having to deal with April. He loved her and he knew he wouldn't have gotten this far without her but damn it all if she didn't drive him up the walls sometimes. Because she didn't want to be sad, she wanted to be happy so she would focus on being only that. And Casey was always the one to catch the tail end of that storm when she would crash.

He waited for the water to warm up for two minutes.

"You have got to be kidding."

He turned the water off and on again and waited another two minutes. Still cold. Maybe he would just cry out of frustration.

"Rivet!" Mikey yelled as he stormed out of the bathroom and towards the lab. "The boiler isn't working. I swear if you took a part out of it I'll rearrange your bolts!"

All he got in response was a few dull beeps as he entered the lab. Rivet was slumped against the wall just next to the lab door. Mikey knelt down and tilted the robots head towards his. The lights of Rivets eyes were dull.

Today was going to be a disaster.

"Oh no what's wrong?" Mikey tried to give the robot the once over but he had no idea what he was looking for.

"_Beep._"

"I need more than that buddy." He didn't look broken. Not even a scratch. "Do you need to recharge?" Mikey whipped his head round the lab, looking for a power cord. Rivet had always taken care of himself, his maintenance and even upgrades.

Rivet shook his head and slowly got up, trudging his way across the lab leaving Mikey on the floor. He had never seen Rivet like this. Sure he had more personality than Mikey could have ever thought possible but lethargic and defeated was something he had never seen.

"Wait, are you sad?" If Rivet could mock him and take care of him why couldn't he feel sad? "Wow, I didn't even think, Rivet I'm sorry."

Rivet didn't respond. He just started to dig through a pile of paper on the desk.

_Geez, Mike. You gotta give the guy more credit._

Of course his brother was capable of creating something, or someone, so human. Mikey had always thought Rivet just did what he did because he was built partially to be a butler-bot. And he always thanked him because Splinter had taught him manners. But he wondered if that actually got through to Rivet. Rivet could give himself upgrades and probably had been doing so for a year now so he had to be so much more than just a robot with a set list of skills. Mikey wondered, what if Rivet didn't have to be here anymore? What if he was doing everything just because he wanted to?

"Do you want to pray with me tonight? After everyone has gone."

Rivet turned around, his eyes brighter, a warm orange colour, and shook his head. He walked back to Mikey with a bit more confidence in his step and handed him a stack of papers.

"Is this for the boiler?" Mikey asked taking the papers and quickly reading over them. "You know just because I can remember what I'm about to read doesn't mean I can understand it."

Rivet just beeped and went to grab the nearest toolbox as Mikey stood up.

"You know it's weird." Mikey mumbled as he desperately tried to ignore the clanging noises in the kitchen. "I'm like a dad now. And your sort of like my brother. I haven't really thanked you for everything you've done. I probably would have starved myself if you weren't here. And I like to think that's not something Don programmed because I don't like to think he would plan for something so hopeless. So thanks for being so good to me, and for me."

Rivet didn't respond.

-:-

It took them half an hour to fix the boiler and it took Mikey about ten seconds of being under the warm stream of water to break down.

He could remember exactly where he was this time a year ago. He was in the kitchen, cooking cheesy potato pancakes because Splinter liked those as an every now and then breakfast. It was his way to say sorry for having his horror movie too loud the night before. It was an apology his father accepted gracefully and quietly.

He stood in the shower for twenty minutes till the water ran cold, hoping the sound drowned his sobs.

His chested ached. He missed Splinter the most (something that always started a vicious guilt spiral). His friends all took care of him and loved him, and he knew how much his brothers loved him, but his dad was different because your parents take care of you in a way your friends and siblings never should. His missed the way he would casually go to his father and hug him, or those rare occasions Splinter sought him out for affection. He even missed being yelled at and disciplined because he was learning now in such a hard way that that was good for him, as a person, as a ninja, and now as a parent. Because it didn't matter if the boys called him dad or brother, Mikey would have to be for them what Splinter was to him. That was scary.

Mikey didn't handle anxiety well. He had rarely dealt with it growing up, with his brothers carrying most of their burdens. And he was resentful of that. He knew they were protecting him and he let them do that but dammit he was a person too and they tried to rob him of his right to misery. Maybe if they had all worked through everything together in the past he would be handling now better. Or maybe the now would be different.

He could barely remember that night. He figured he had repressed the memories somehow or he was just too upset to take anything in. He'd gotten separated from his brothers once they got into the building. He hadn't paid much attention and wasn't sure why they were there. But he was quickly cornered and taken to some cell, a bare white room. He didn't know how long he was there for. But the next thing he knew his brothers were put on the ground in front of him by a Kraang.

_"Your father is dead. I'm sorry."_

Wait.

The guy had apologised. He must have been in serious shock not to realise it. Mikey closed his eyes and tried to dig deep into his memory, even as the cold water beat down his shell. The Kraang turned around and left.

_That can't be it._

"Why did he apologise?" The Kraang didn't care. He knew his father had been lured topside after Mikey and his brothers were captured, but he always figured that was a Foot thing, not a Kraang thing. "Maybe I'm just imagining it."

He turned the water off and stepped out of the tub. He started to dry himself off on auto-pilot. The less he thought, the less he'd stress about just about everything that was nagging at him today.

-:-

"That was a long shower."

"I live in the sewer. No shower is long enough." Mikey laughed. April was pinning streamers to the play pen. Mikey had told her she couldn't decorate the whole lair (a conversation that ended in a fight that resulted in two days' worth of silent treatment on both ends). Casey bargained that the play pen was the canvas of her masterpiece.

"I made you breakfast," she mumbled. She wasn't looking him in the eye.

"Thanks." _Suspicious._

The kitchen was spotless. But the air smelt of burnt bacon and a can of citrus air freshener, among other things. But all there was to show for it was a bowl of cereal, a milk carton, and a glass of orange juice on the island bench. Mikey eyed off the bin he knew was either full if whatever was in the air or empty in an attempt to hide the evidence.

Mikey gave her credit for trying. He poured milk into his bowl. Forgoing a spoon, he wandered back to April, alternating mouthfuls of his cereal and juice. "Is the decorating successful?"

"Super successful!" April stood up and backed away from her work. Mikey liked it. It wasn't too much but still enough to get the boys excited. Mikey had said no balloons; no one wants to deal with any explosions, followed by crying babies and or a panic attack.

"So who's coming exactly?" Mikey asked. "You never told me."

"Ummm, Casey and Shadow are out getting a cake and some food, Leatherhead said Rockwell and Pete are coming for sure. I haven't heard anything from Slash."

"Slash hasn't talked to me since Christmas. I don't think he'll show."

"Well I made sure Leatherhead let him know he was invited. And I told Casey to get enough food just in case he does show up."

There was a small, dark part of Mikey that hoped the guy wouldn't show up.

-:-

Somehow, even though April had spent so long beforehand stressing to him that she'd handle everything, Mikey ended up cooking for everyone.

"Casey, you know how to use a knife, right?"

"Yeah."

"Cut up the vegetables for me."

And _somehow_, that simple request turned into a fight between Shadow and Casey.

"Sensei! Casey took a sword from the dojo and is using it to cut carrots!"

"Your brother can do what he likes. Let him make himself into a one armed vigilante. See if I care!"

"That would be so cool. I'd get a hook!"

But it was fun, just hanging around and socialising. April was formally banned from the kitchen by Rockwell because he saw her crime scene from breakfast dumped just outside the turnstiles. Casey was on cutting duty, Pete hovered around the kitchen with Shadow following him, picking at food and raving on about different kinds of breads and how Rockwell was teaching him to read so he could make his own bread from recipes.

It was easy because no one let him stop to think. And not in the way Casey and April did sometimes about proper adult things. It was a joke, followed by a story, or a question from Rockwell about what he was making. Sure, everything about the morning had been put on a shelf in his mind but it wasn't crushing him like he felt it usually was.

"You really must teach me some of your ways, Michelangelo." Rockwell stood at the bench making tea for him and Leatherhead. "That way I can host sometimes. Pete says I cut bread wrong."

"You don't let Pete cut his own bread?"

"Oh heavens no. Would you trust that boy with a knife?"

Probably not when he thought about it. But Mikey had often woken up from midday naps to find Pete flying around the lair with one of the boys in a baby harness around his chest, and not once had any of those boys been dropped.

"Pete's not too bad. Maybe you just need to use a better knife for the bread. I know how to sharpen blades; we have all the tools for it here."

Domesticity. He hadn't experienced it for a while and it was nice. At least with other people who had the capacity to appreciate it.

"I'll bring them around Tuesday night, and you can teach me how to make a pizza dough."

"Done."

-:-

They dealt with presents while they waited for Mikey's soup to reduce. Mikey hadn't expected April to have gotten as much as she had.

"Did you buy a gift with very paycheque you got?"

"No. Some of this is second hand. I cleaned it all though!" April beamed as she stepped into the play pen with her bag of goodies. Mikey knew he didn't have much for the boys, having to dig up keepsakes from his and his brother's childhoods, and only bringing things from the dump when they were clean enough (which was rare). But April had so many gaudy coloured, plastic, light up things that made too much noise, he felt weirdly inadequate. But he smiled anyway as she explained to the boys how to use everything as if they understood or cared.

Rockwell, Pete and Leatherhead had gone a simpler route. They opted to make stuff toy versions of themselves made out of socks. Mikey thought they were the cutest things _ever_ and was tempted to keep them for himself until Raph all but fell in love with his sock Pete.

"There's no buttons because I heard in the park once these mothers talking about how some kid had taken them off his bear and swallowed it!" Pete explained. "So we just used thread for the eyes and mouths. Shadow helped us get socks the right colour too!"

"Thanks guys." Mikey smiled and stretched his legs out on the couch. "They're awesome."

"Rooish, look! Casey and I saw how much April was getting for the boys so we got you something instead!" Shadow beamed. She jumped on his lap and shoved a box into his face. It was bigger than his head and green with an orange ribbon wrapped around it.

"Wow, thanks guys." He pulled at the ribbon, which Shadow quickly snatched from him with a sheepish look and began to thread it through her braid. "You're welcome, Shadow."

"Come on, hurry up!" She pushed the box in his hands. "We don't have all day."

"_Shadow!_" Casey growled.

Mikey pulled the lid off the box and tugged at the fabric inside. Letting the box drop he slowly realised that his gift was a hand crocheted blanket. It was orange with a turtle in the centre and big enough to cover a double bed.

"Where did you guys get this?"

"Our nan made it. She's been working on it for ages. Don't worry though! We told her our friend was having a hard time and really liked turtles."

"It gets cold down here. And you said you don't keep those portable heaters on when you sleep because you think they'll catch fire." Casey smirked and sat down next to Mikey, nudging him with his elbow.

"They will! There was a thing about it on the TV and everything!" He nudged Casey back and fiddled with the blanket. "Thanks guys. This is really great."

Shadow leaned up to wrap her arms around Mikey's neck. "Anytime."

-:-

"There's something I need to tell you." Rockwell was quiet as he and Mikey walked into the kitchen to check on the food.

"Oh geez, what?"

"Shredder and Karai." Rockwell crossed his arms. "They've gone back to Japan. My sources say they won't be coming back for quite some time."

"Sources?"

"They weren't exactly willing," Rockwell said with a smirk. "Apparently they don't have any business being here anymore. The Foot are just maintaining the base and a few business ventures."

"Hmm. That explains why we haven't heard anything from them."

"That's all I've been able to gather. The Foot have gone undercover, blending in with normal people."

"I need to tell you something too."

"Do tell."

"The Kraang that came and dropped off the boys told me Splinter was dead. He apologised." Rockwell searched Mikey's face and he squirmed under the stare. "I only remembered it this morning, I'm not even sure if it actually happened."

"I'm sure it did," Rockwell said comfortingly. "Do you think the one Kraang with a conscience just happened to wander into your cell that night?"

"No because he didn't talk like a Kraang." Mikey made a point to start busying himself with the food. "He spoke like us."

"Interesting. I'll keep an eye and ear out for such a thing."

"Thanks."

They moved around the kitchen quietly after that, both trying to process the new information.

-:-

Praying was _hard_. Not for any technical reason, but Mikey couldn't help but feel stupid. When he prayed he was usually in the middle of something, asking for help or cursing someone without really realising he was doing it. But as he lit the incense around his family shrine, on his and his mask respectfully off his face he just felt dumb. He had dishes to do and he had to start seriously thinking about cleaning his room and moving into the dojo bedroom, but instead he was taking an hour out of his time to meditate and talk to his family, who he wasn't sure could hear him. Plus, he wasn't sure he was even doing it right. He'd seen Splinter set himself up to pray countless times and could remember everything to a t, but self-doubt still gnawed at him.

The family portrait of Yoshi, Tang Shen and Miwa had been moved to the bottom shelf of the wall hung shrine, in favour of the last photo Mikey had of his family. It wasn't great. The camera was wonky and only half of Mikey's face was in the haphazard selfie, with the rest of his family behind him, sitting at the table. Splinter was smiling with amusement, Leo was ready for the attack photo with a big grin, Donatello had a calm look on his face as he was midway through slurping the broth from his ramen, and Raph was rocking the deer in headlights expression. It was his favourite photo that had migrated from his bedside table to the shrine at some point, maybe when he was cleaning.

Mikey closed his eyes. Hoping maybe his father would sense him and come. Mikey tried to find him, but it was hard when he didn't know where to look. But nothing happened. He didn't feel anything. He tried to dig deep and he focused as hard as he could but he got nowhere.

Maybe he wasn't strong enough or good enough to connect with the 'other side'. Or maybe there wasn't one. Defeated, he sat staring at the wall until the incense burnt out. He got up, checked that the boys were still sleeping soundly, and went to bed, curled up in his new blanket.

_Maybe tomorrow will be better._

* * *

**I said to myself I was going to try and write a happier chapter. Turns out I'm a liar. :)**

**Also I started a tumblr... nothing there yet, but I want to start posting fics there too and just run it as a TMNT blog. The user name is just mona-e-lisa ffnet keeps eating the link (thanks Taisi for pointing it out, I didn't realise it did that :) )**


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